The Melancholy of Candace Flynn
by Hcobb
Summary: Phineas and Ferb discover that that summer is stuck in a loop.
1. Chapter 1

[Yeah, yeah. Tanigawa and Disney shall never meet. So sue me.]

I was composing a new song in my room when the doorbell rang. I thought about it for a moment and concluded that nobody else was in the house. I put down my guitar, went down the stairs and opened the front door. "Phineas and Ferb? What are you doing here?"

Phineas, was as usual the member of the pair to speak. "Morning Jeremy, may we come in?"

"I guess. Is your sister with you?" I looked around and didn't see her.

"No, she's with Mom today, and if she doesn't spot us, she won't return home until around two p.m. today. Your sister is out shopping with your mother and they will return here at 11:38 a.m. with a standard error of five minutes. At which point you three will have lunch before you need to leave at 1:30 p.m. to go to work at Mr. Slushy Burger."

"Uh, wow. You've done your research, or something?"

"The times are not exact because time does not repeat itself exactly, but that does give us at least thirty minutes to chat. May we come in?"

"I guess so. Can I get you a snack?"

"There's no need for that and time is pressing."

The two boys walked into our living room. I followed and sat across from them. "So, what is this all about?"

"We have tried our best, over and over again. The problem is beyond our ability to solve, so we must ask for your help."

"My help? I'm just an ordinary teenager. But, the things you two do. It's like wow!"

"Impossible? Some sort of trick?"

"No, I've seen too much with my own eyes to dismiss it, but it all seems a bit much. It's like you're both ten times smarter than any person ever could be."

"And that is because Candace wished it." It was Ferb who made that odd comment.

"What?"

"My brother is correct. Our abilities spring directly from her. When I was three she made a comment about what a bright little boy I was and so I was. And then she wished the same of Ferb, when he joined our household."

"Alright. Say I believe you, what good am I then?"

"We are stuck because she is stuck. Jeremy, what would you say Candace's greatest obsession is?"

"Well, to bust the two of you. She's always wandering off to do that."

"Would you say that Candace is an evil person?" Was that sadness in Ferb's eyes, or just exhaustion?

"No, no. She's got some weird ideas, but she wouldn't ever intentionally hurt anyone."

"She can't bust us, because she knows, deep inside, that she's responsible for the things we can do. She stops herself with her own powers, rather than pin the blame on her own victims." Phineas rested his long nose on his crossed hands.

"So you need me to bust you?"

"That wouldn't help either, for the same reason. She would stop you."

"So, what can I do for you two?"

"Doesn't this summer feel like it's been going on forever?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"What would you say, if I told you that this summer has lasted over five hundred years?"

"From anybody else I'd take that as a joke, but from you two? Okay, why don't I remember all that?"

"Because on the night before school, Candace rewinds time back two weeks. We have 13 days until it starts all over again. She won't let this summer end until she busts us, and she won't let us be busted. Candace has done what no villain has ever done. She has destroyed the world. There is no future and no past. All we have is this short span of time."

"That sounds really intense. But, how could I save the world?"

"You are the one she favors."

I turned towards Ferb. "That's an odd phrase."

"And an old one." Phineas nodded. "The problem isn't that Candace is too strong, it's that she's too weak. She's consumed by self doubt and that keeps her from moving on."

"This all sounds like Candace's problem. Why don't you tell her all this?"

"We have, dozens of times. Normally she just rejected it out of hand. Finally we did convince her. The world only just barely survived. She used all her remaining strength to toss time back. We've concluded that we can't risk that again."

"So if I can't even tell her what's she doing, then how can I help her?"

"We need you to build her up."

"Don't just flatter her." Ferb warned.

"Yes." Phineas thought for a moment then continued. "You can't tell her, but you can show her that she is worthy person. You need to be the wind beneath her wings. That's the only way she'll get over her hangup."

"Time's up."

Phineas looked over at Ferb, then at his wristwatch. "Yeah, your family is about to return, and your sister must not see us at this time. Will you help us?"

"I'll think about it."

"You know where we live."

-HJC


	2. Chapter 2

After lunch I thought about what Phineas and Ferb had told me as I walked to work. A block from the mall I stopped, took a glance around me, then pulled out my cellphone. I scrolled past Candace until Doofenshmirtz was selected. I hesitated for only a moment before calling the founder of Mr. Slushy Burger. I was under orders after all.

The phone rang twice and then it was answered. "Hello, Jeremy. What is it?"

"There's been a development with the project. A big one."

"How big?"

"The brothers came to me and asked for my help. The things they said, well it changes everything."

"Enough. I'll assemble the board. Where are you?"

"At the mall. My shift is about to start."

"I'll call your supervisor and get an instant replacement. Wait outside and I'll send your usual driver. Be seeing you shortly."

"Will do."

The black taxi pulled up a few minutes later and drove me to the corporate headquarters. I walked to the office labeled Doofenshmirtz and the secretary told me to go on in.

I stopped for an instant when I saw that in addition to the company founder, the mayor and the director of OWCA were also there.

"Do come in, Jeremy. And close the door behind you."

"Yes, Ms. Doofenshmirtz."

I told the three of them the story that Phineas and Ferb had told me, along with the role they said I had in it.

"Well, Jeremy. I hope I don't look five hundred years old?"

"No, Ms. Doofenshmirtz."

She smiled for a moment then turned to her right and frowned slightly. "Have you been holding back information on Candace, Monogram?"

"Certainly not." He looked faintly offended behind his white mustache. "She's spoken a few times about a 'mysterious force' and how she might control it, but she's never said that the force is herself."

"So this entire loop might just caused by her own thawing understanding?"

"That would require further studies."

"Which she hasn't given us time for." Ms. Doofenshmirtz turned to her left and addressed her ex-brother-in-law, "Roger, what do you think of all this?"

"It smells too contrived, Charlene. Major, are you sure that the boys haven't hacked your systems and made this all up?"

"Certainly not. We've got them under constant surveillance."

"And what have they been doing these past two days?" Ms. Doofenshmirtz asked the OWCA director.

"They were unusually agitated when they woke up yesterday morning and were engaged in several obscure experiments until they went to the Johnson house."

"So those two little boys have completely exceeded your capabilities?"

"We do the best we can, Ms. Doofenshmirtz. Within our budget."

"It looks like I'll have to take a direct role in things this time, but how do I reach her?"

"Ms. Doofenshmirtz, Candace has met your daughter on several occasions."

"Yes, but children can be so difficult at times." She turned to me. "Jeremy, what do you think of Vanessa?"

"Uh, I don't know what to think of her, Ms. Doofenshmirtz."

"And Candace?"

"I try to keep to the mission. I've seen what's going on. I'd do anything to keep my family safe."

"As would we all. Call Candace up and tell her that you've been selected to star in a series of Mr. Slushy Burger TV commercials and ask her to come with you here tomorrow to try out for a role in these. Tell her the job is for the next two weeks." She stopped and looked at the two men. "Unless there is some objection?"

Seeing none, she leaned forwards. "Make the call now, Jeremy."

I pulled out my cellphone.

"Ms. Doofenshmirtz, the boy looks nervous."

"Yes, Monogram. My apologies, Jeremy. You can go now. And use your best judgment as to how to deliver this message to her." She reached out to put her hand over mine. "You have my complete confidence. Can you think of anything else I can do for you?"

"No, Ms. Doofenshmirtz."

"Have a nice day. And I'll see you here Monday morning."

"Thank you, Ms. Doofenshmirtz." As I turned to leave I heard Ms. Doofenshmirtz start to talk to the two men about her ex-husband.

I walked for a few blocks to steady my nerves, then pulled out my cellphone again and made the call. I got a busy signal and hung up.

Thirty seconds later my phone rang and I answered it. "Hello, Candace."

"Jeremy! You called?"

"Yes, are you doing anything?"

"No, no. Absolutely nothing!"

"I've got some good news. Mind if I treat you at our favorite cafe?"

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Give me two hours to get ready."

"No, just come as you usually are. It's not that special. I'll see you there in ten minutes."

I walked two more blocks to the cafe and took a seat inside, at the table that was most visible outside the cafe, and had the best surveillance coverage. I wasn't trying to hide anything from Ms. Doofenshmirtz, but I didn't want Candace to waste two hours in front of her closet, before settling for her usual outfit anyway.

Candace made it two minutes ahead of the schedule I had imposed on her and seemed a little winded. This silly stick figure of a girl was God? Well I guess Jesus didn't look all that impressive himself.

"Jeremy!" She tossed the door open then drifted over to my table. She put her elbows on the table, rested her chin on her hands and smiled up at me. "You wanted to tell me something?"

"Sure, but first order anything you want."

She picked up the menu and looked it over, then put it down with a puzzled look on her face. "Weren't you supposed to be working today? If you wanted to get me something you could just use your employee discount at Mr. Slushy Burger. You shouldn't waste your money on me."

"If all goes well you'll be sick of Mr. Slushy Burger food. You don't have anything planned over the next two weeks, right?"

"Huh? Well I've got some summer reading to do before school, but otherwise I'm free."

"So would you mind hanging around with me all day during that time? And we can work on our summer book reports together."

"Yes! Uh, what's up?"

"The founder of Mr. Slushy Burger saw me at work, and she wants me to act in some commercials. I asked her if I could bring along a friend to be in the commercials, and she said she'd at least allow you to audition for the role."

"Me? I'm going to be on television?"

"It's just a walk on role. They need to show people buying and eating Mr. Slushy Burger food. If it's not too much of a bother?"

"No, no. Anything for you Jeremy."

"So you don't mind if we enjoy some non-Slushy food today?" I wondered if she even knew that the cafe was owned by the same company.

"Oh." Candace picked up the menu and ordered a tea and a salad.

I had a burrito and a coke. We talked about her choice for a book to write the report on. When we left she didn't even notice that no bill had been put on our table. Wasn't God supposed to know everything?

"Where are you going, Jeremy?"

"Back home. I need to look after my sister. But we can stop by your place and pick up your book first, if you want to hang out?"

"Oh, that monster. No thanks. But it's been great seeing you, Jeremy. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, I'll come by your place and pick you up."

I watched her as she walked away. Once again I had been reminded that this so-called God hated my sister, for unknown reasons. Did that mean that Suzy was going to Hell? There was some sort of mix up, but I had my job and could play my part.


	3. Chapter 3

At Sunday dinner I told my family that the Mr. Slushy Burger company wanted me to play a part in a series of commercials they would be shooting over the next two weeks.

I assured my mom that my preparations for the new school year were already complete and when she suggested that Candace might look after my sister Suzy, I replied that I had hoped that Candace might also get a part in the commercials. Mom seemed happy to hear this and accepted my suggestion to call Stacy instead, but Suzy seemed pensive. So I wasn't much surprised to hear a knock on my bedroom door that night.

I opened the door and saw Suzy standing there in her bunny PJs, with a pillow in hand.

"Hi, Suzy. What do you need?"

"Can I sleep with you, Jeremy?" She stared up at me with puppy dog eyes.

"Uh, Sure." I stepped to the side. "Can't sleep?"

"Uh huh." She hopped onto my bed and put her pillow next to mine.

I wasn't too worried about this, as she had often sought out my company. The only suspicious thing about my room was how clean I kept it of extraneous materials. No teenage boy would go to such lengths to leave nothing hidden if he did not have a great secret to conceal, but the demands of the conspiracy came before my personal desires.

Suzy waited until I had turned off the light and joined her in bed before speaking again. "Big brother."

"Yes?"

"Why do you have to work?"

"Don't you like the toys I get you? Those cost money. But anyway, it's just for the summer."

"Why can't I be on TV, instead of Her?"

"I don't know. They just want to make commercials for teenagers, to get in the summer crowd. But, I'll ask if they plan to make commercials for kids your age around the holidays. Would you like to try out for a TV spot then?"

"Okay. Jeremy, you're the bestest big brother in the whole world."

"Oh, I imagine there are much much better ones out there. I just want to be your best brother."

"Oh, silly. You're my only brother." Then she said something so softly that I suspect she thought I couldn't hear it. "And you're all mine, not Hers."

She pretended to go to sleep at that point, so I pretended to sleep also.

A few minutes later she got up, carefully stepped over me and quietly searched my room in the darkness. She apparently didn't find what she was looking for (and as I so carefully had nothing hidden in my room, this was a forgone conclusion) so returned a few minutes later to snuggle up next to me. She turned away from me and softly said "Bubbles", as if it were a curse word.

A strange child indeed. But as she was my only sibling, she was clearly my favorite sibling.

After a few minutes she relaxed into true sleep and I let myself follow her. I dreamed that I was the White Rabbit and that Candace came to Wonderland to cause messes that I had to clean up, as I followed her with a broom and a dustpan.

Monday morning I set out after breakfast to deliver Suzy to Stacy Hirano's house. After I handed her the babysitting money, Stacy asked if she could take Suzy to the mall with her. I explained that I wouldn't be there and got Suzy to promise to be on her best behavior.

Then I walked over to the Flynn-Fletcher house and managed to drag Candace away from whatever it was her brothers were up to, because I said the bus would be by shortly. I could have called for the company taxi, but I didn't want to admit that I had that kind of clout.

On the bus Candace asked me loudly about the details for the commercial (to the obvious annoyance of the bus driver), but I replied that I hadn't been told any. I could have made up whatever I wanted and made it stick, but I'm not that kind of guy. Let Ms. Doofenshmirtz do the hard work of coming up with the script. I was doing my part by just getting Candace to the set.

When we got to Ms. Doofenshmirtz's office we found the door open and her daughter in the office. I made a move to go outside and wait, but the secretary motioned for us to sit in the chairs there.

"They had him arrested!" Vanessa Doofenshmirtz shouted at her mom.

"Well, you kept telling me that he was evil, so apparently it finally caught up with him. Isn't this what you wanted, Dear?"

"Not like this. I wanted you to talk to him, reform him. He's still my dad after all."

"I tried, Dear. Don't you remember all those years? Finally I couldn't take it anymore, because I cared too much. But what do you want me to do about it? It's not like I run the tri-state area. If you want to apply political clout you'll have to talk to your uncle Roger."

"No. No reason to drag the mayor into this. But will you at least go with me after work to talk to Dad?"

"Sure, Dear. And I'll get him the very best lawyer. So I'll see you back here at five?"

"Okay, Mom. I love you."

"And I love you too. We'll work this out."

Vanessa stepped out of her mom's office and stopped. "Jeremy and Candace? What are you doing here?"

Ms. Doofenshmirtz stepped up next to her. "Good Morning, Mr. Johnson. Sorry that I'm running a bit late. And is this the friend you spoke about?"

"Ms. Doofenshmirtz, this is Candace Flynn."

"Nice to meet you, Ma'am."

"Let me show you the way to the set, so you can sign up for the auditions."

"Auditions?" Vanessa asked.

"Mr. Johnson is going to be staring in a series of commercials for Mr. Slushy Burger."

"Mom, haven't you always said that it is my company too?"

"Well, I'd hoped you'd play some part in it, once you were older. But, you've always said it wasn't cool. I'm sorry that I run a fast food company instead of something far more exciting, but that's just the way it is."

"I'm always going to be tied to this company so I might at well start putting my face on it. Cast me in the commercials."

"Oh?" Ms. Doofenshmirtz seemed taken aback by this and then she kept that look of surprise on her face as the sharpest mind I had ever met raced ahead. Then she turned back to her daughter. "Vanessa, do you know Miss Flynn?"

"Well, I've met her a few times. She seems okay."

"Then how about this for the theme for our commercials. Mr. Slushy Burger, good food for good friends."

"That sounds okay."

"Excellent. This way please." Ms. Doofenshmirtz led us to the set, which had been setup as a mock-up of a Mr. Slushy Burger franchise. The professional actors filled in a crowd as she had Vanessa and Candace ad-lib lines while waiting in line for me to take their orders.

After a few hours we had a break and the three of us sat down together. I was quite aware that there were cameras recording our conversation, but the two girls didn't.

"Say Vanessa, why aren't you with Johnny today?" Candace asked.

"That loser? I dumped him once he found out that my Mom was that Charlene Doofenshmirtz. He was all about wow I'm so rich, why don't I buy him this and that. When my folks won't even buy me a car. That's why I jumped on this job. Finally I'll have some money of my own. Say, Jeremy. You seem like a nice guy. How would you react if you found that your girlfriend was extremely rich?"

"I hope it wouldn't change the way I felt about her, even if I found that she was the most powerful girl in the world."

"Jeremy is my boyfriend, even though I'm the least powerful girl in the world. I can't even bust my stupid brothers."

"I thought I wanted to bust my dad, for the stupid stuff he did. But now that it's happened, I'd gladly take it all back." Vanessa looked down at her feet.

I reached over to grab her hand. "I'm sure it will work out. Your mom can afford the very best lawyers, after all."

The girls were more subdued for the afternoon's shooting until finally Ms. Doofenshmirtz called it a day and took Vanessa off to see her imprisoned father.

Candace seemed troubled on the bus ride back, but got very excited when she saw the tower that loomed over the neighborhood from her back yard. Ms. Flynn-Fletcher drove up at that point and Candace shouted. "Mom, look at that!"

"Look at what, Dear?" Ms. Flynn-Fletcher looked in the back yard, but the tower was gone. "Oh, hi boys."

"Never mind."

"Uh, see you tomorrow, Candace."

"Yeah, Jeremy." Candace half-heartily waved, then walked into the house with her eyes on her feet. 


	4. Chapter 4

After dropping Candace off at her home on Monday evening, I was startled to see my mother's car in the driveway so early.

She was waiting for me in our living room. "Jeremy."

"Yes, Mom?"

"I received a call at work today. Apparently your friend Miss Hirano left Suzy by herself at the mall."

"Oh."

"You know how sensitive Suzy is. The only sitter she's been comfortable with has been Candace, and now you've taken her away. I'm sorry, but when the choice is between your job and mine, well mine just pays more than a fast food job."

"I'll take Suzy to the shooting tomorrow."

"You will!" Suzy burst from her room and jumped up at me.

I caught her so she didn't fall and hurt herself.

"And will you put me on the TV?" Suzy reached up to wrap her arms around my neck.

"I'll see what I can do."

"You're the bestest big brother ever!"

Mom frowned for a moment, then put on a smile as Suzy looked over at her. "Okay, you two. But I had better not get a call tomorrow."

"Don't worry, Mommy. I'm always safe with Jeremy!" Suzy snuggled up against me.

That evening after dinner, I was reading in my room when I got a call from Stacy. She begged my forgiveness and especially begged me not to tell Candace about it. I'd have to report that last bit. Not to Candace of course, but to Ms. Doofenshmirtz.

I had just put down my phone when a translucent glowing figure appeared in my room.

"Hologram or ghost? And where's Phineas?"

"Look you miserable little git, how I'm doing this is unimportant. And Phineas is the good little brother."

"You're not?"

"You've been golden in his eyes, ever since Candace said she favored you. I know better."

"Oh?"

"You've been too spotless Jeremy, but someday you'll mess it up."

"So, Ferb. What's the call about?"

"Candace of course. What did you do today to crush her feelings?"

"Me? You two are the ones who did that bait and switch with the tower. Why didn't you leave it up so she could have the joy of busting you?"

"She won't let us be busted. We've explained that already. She gets over that. Whatever you did really took the wind out of her sails."

"Can't you just try to be good little brothers to her?"

"We've tried. We've tried all sorts of things. The sad part is that we only spot the loop on the first day one time in a hundred. And here you go blowing this chance."

"Wow, you usually don't talk anywhere near this much."

"I follow the rule where I don't have anything nice to say and so I say nothing. But, just this one time, I'll make an exception. Certain parts of you are needed for the future existence of Amanda and Xavier, assuming that we ever get out of this loop. But that leaves plenty of parts of you that really aren't all that needed. So here's the plan. Mark this as your last chance to exit the loop with all of your parts intact. Next time through I'll break your bloody leg on the first day so Candace has to spend two weeks nursing you back to health. If that doesn't work then how about you spend the rest of your life walking with a cane, or missing an eye or a limb? It may take me thousands of loops, but I will find some extent of your suffering past which she can not endure. So get it right tomorrow, or you will never see it coming."

Ferb's image vanished before I could reply.

Tuesday morning Ferb met us at the door to their house and invited us in, but Candace was suddenly sick in her room when she was told that Suzy was with me.

"Okay, I'll call up Ms. Doofenshmirtz and tell her we can't come anymore and she should get other actors."

"No Jeremy!" Candace burst out of her room. "Don't let me stop you. You need this."

"She looks fine to me?" Suzy looked Candace over.

Candace flinched away from Suzy.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Suzy jumped up into Candace's arms, who almost dropped her.

"Onward, to the studio!" Suzy pointed with her right arm to the door as she wrapped her left arm around Candace's neck.

Candace stood there with knees shaking, so I put a hand on each of her shoulders to steady her.

"Look, it'll be fine. You did great yesterday. So let's go there and try it, Okay?"

Candace took her eyes off of Suzy, turned to me and nodded.

I gently nudged her forwards and we set off to the bus stop.

Suzy insisted on riding in Candace's lap on the bus. The bus driver looked like he wanted to object to this, but then noticed that the same noisy girl from the previous day was quiet and so started the bus.

When we got to the studio I explained to Ms. Doofenshmirtz how my sister had insisted on being part of the production. She agreed to the request, so long as Suzy settled for a background role for the moment, sitting with various kiddie meals. Suzy accepted this minor role much more quickly than I thought she would and was very well behaved that morning.

The other two girls were much more of a problem. Candace kept looking nervously over at Suzy, while Vanessa elbowed Candace out of the way so she could monopolize the counter space in front of me. She had the zipper on her black leather top zipped down way too low, and the way she was always bending forwards showed me that she wasn't even wearing a bra under it.

So it was a relief when Ms. Doofenshmirtz called out "Cut!" and summoned me to her office.

She sat at her desk while I stood nervously in front of it. Then she leaned forwards. "Relax, Jeremy. I've thoroughly swept the room. You can speak freely, and take a seat."

"Thanks, Charlene."

"My daughter isn't herself today."

"I didn't want to say anything about that."

"No. This is very unusual for her. Last night she wanted to know everything about you. She's never fallen for a boy this quickly before and she would never ever make a play for another girl's boyfriend."

"I don't know what I did."

"It wasn't you. It was Candace. She's changed Vanessa using her powers, somehow."

"Why would she do that?"

"It's as her brothers said. She's putting up roadblocks in front of her own success. So that explains the nature of this time loop. It's all my fault."

"What?"

"Remember what we two did the night before the loop started?"

"Oh? Then why didn't she extend the loop back far enough to erase that?"

"It wasn't the first time. She'd have to erase the entire summer. She either can't or won't do that. It was a moment of weakness on my part and now she's punishing not just me, but the entire rest of the world."

"I'm sorry, I ..."

"No. It's not your fault, Jeremy. I'm the adult here. That's why it's a crime for me, and not you."

"We could make it legal."

"No, we can not. She's blocking that, remember?"

"Charlene, I lo-"

"Stop! We promised we wouldn't say that. Please act like the man I -, the boy who's wisdom beyond his years attracted me to him in the first place. I won't lie to you, Jeremy. What we had was very very good. For all your youth, you are very good at doing it. Candace is going to be a very lucky lady for the rest of her life. And it wasn't just the act itself. I will so miss the pillow talk, with somebody who understood the game and was willing to do whatever it took to win it. I still expect that you will be the one to run this operation some day. It's just that what we had between us is over. There will be no more graveyard shifts. Do you understand, Jeremy?"

"Yes, Charlene."

"I'm leaving now to go bail out my ex-husband and take him back to my place, under house arrest. Tonight I'm going to reconcile with him. He is nowhere near as good as you are, but that is my punishment for my sins. So go back there and slap Vanessa, if that is what it takes. Your focus must be on Candace, agreed?"

"Yes, Charlene. Wait, you've leaving now?"

"Don't worry, I've found a pair of highly recommended directors to run the shooting."

"You don't mean?"

"Yes, her brothers. Can you think of anybody else more motivated to get Candace back on track?"

"No, Ma'am."

As I was walking back to the studio I heard Suzy speaking in a far more mature and vindictive tone than usual.

"Oh, I don't have to do anything. You're making a mess of yourself today." Then she looked over, jumped out of the seat next to Candace, and ran to me. "Jeremy! Did you get in trouble?"

"No, Ms. Doofenshmirtz had to go, that's all."

Candace looked up at this. "So are you going to be in charge?"

"No, they are."

She followed my line of sight. Then she stood and walked over to her brothers. "Are you two dweebs a little young to be running a major ad campaign?"

"Why, yes. Yes, we are." Phineas responded, then took her hand. "Come on Candace, let's have fun today and get you on television." 


	5. Chapter 5

The Tuesday morning commercial taping was even stranger than what had gone on Monday, but still without discernible progress towards either our stated or hidden goals.

We had a break in the shooting as Ferb Fletcher left to go acquire a disco style mirror ball. With the sting of my forced breakup still fresh in my mind, I took the opportunity to seek out the one freak who could possibly have arranged all of this.

"Phineas." I addressed him softly, so as to not draw the attention of the two teenage girls who were my co-stars.

"Yes, Jeremy?" He looked up from the studio's blueprints.

"You already knew that Candace isn't a very good skater from the time you built the roller derby ring. So why did you try that again?"

"I thought that Vanessa would catch her." Phineas frowned at my lover's daughter. Make that ex-lover, thanks to him.

"Well that didn't work."

"I may have miscalculated on that point. But, they've been friends before, so I'm sure they'll get over this."

Did he honestly not see what the problem was between the girls? I decided to snap the weakest link in his chain of delusion. "You had the timing of my family right down to the minute. So how many times have we tried filming these commercials?"

"This is the first time."

"How is that possible? People should either do the same thing over and over so as to be predictable, or tiny little changes would quickly change everything."

"Most everybody does do the same thing every time." Phineas looked up at me. "I'm the rogue element."

"What?"

"And it isn't random either. I went through the first thousand loops without noticing it at all, but lately I've been spotting the issue about once every hundred times on the first day. Jeremy, how many days do you wake up and decide to question the structure of space-time?"

"Not as often as you do, I suspect."

"But even for me this is unnatural. Candace is forcing my hand." He nodded over to where his sister was sitting with an ice pack pressed to her forehead. "This is a cry for help on her part. Somehow she's suffering, way down there, in a way the rest of us can never understand. I just can't ignore that." He looked up at me with such earnest eyes, then dropped his gaze to the floor and continued in an even softer voice. "Jeremy, have you heard of people who are said to live charmed lives?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I've always felt that way. But this summer I decided to press the point. It's for science, so I can't just let it be. This summer I've pushed things to the limit, while at the same time applying relaxation methods like meditation and yoga. So I could catch it, that nudge of an angel's wings at my elbow. Everytime I've managed to catch that feeling happening to me, I've stepped back. I looked at the situation and I've managed to spot something I've almost done that would have hurt somebody. A lot of it has been real subtle stuff that even Ferb would never catch. So if you want to know who the real genius in our family is, it's Candace. Either that, or she cheats with time travel to keep everybody safe." Phineas looked up and raised his voice. "Ah, speaking of Ferb, here he is. Yeah, Ferb, let's not use the mirror ball. I've got a new idea for a theme for some commercials. I call it 'Obsession'."

As the rest of the crew was called together I thought about what Phineas had said. Was that an apology? Did he see the entire mess as his fault? Did my life just get turned upside down for nothing?

"So first we'll need the rights to use Animotion's 'Obsession'. Ferb, you anticipate my every need." Phineas signed the contract and handed it back to his brother.

From the brief glance I had of it, it had already been signed by the agency for the artists in question. How had Ferb known about that, if this was the first time we were doing this?

"Let's start with Vanessa." Phineas turned to her. "Perhaps a framing shot of you driving by a Slushy Burger franchise?"

"My parents don't let me drive."

"Oh? Well, the scene works better on foot anyway. And hopefully we'll bring in enough business to Mr. Slushy Burger that they'll be able to afford to buy you a car. Let's open the blinds next to the grill and shoot some scenes with Vanessa outside, looking in."

From the window I could see Phineas direct Vanessa to walk by the building casually, then turn as if she smelled something and have her look directly at me. At the same time Ferb stayed inside to direct me through working at the grill. Somehow Phineas and Ferb were able to coordinate with split second timing, even getting me to look away as Vanessa plastered herself against the window.

Then the film crew moved inside and Vanessa walked up to the service counter and read off her line of "Can I have a double slushy burger combo please?" She trailed out the please as she ran her finger along my arm.

Candace stood up and threw her ice pack to the side. "You can't talk to my boyfriend like that!"

"What?" Vanessa turned to her.

"That's right, Jeremy is my boyfriend. So hands off!" Candace walked up to her.

"Since when?" Vanessa seemed honestly confused.

"Since forever!"

"What? Don't you know Jeremy's been -" Vanessa suddenly fainted into Ferb's arms.

"It seems the excitement was too much for her." Ferb gently lowered Vanessa to the floor. Had he used the Vulcan nerve pinch on her? Did that really work?

"Cut!" Phineas walked onto the set. "Somebody call the ambulance. Oh, I see Ferb's already on that. I don't want to bother Ms. Doofenshmirtz, so somebody will need to go with Vanessa to the hospital."

"I'll go."

"Thanks, Ferb. So let me review the footage and see if we've got enough for Candace's part."

After Ferb left with the paramedics who carried the sleeping Vanessa away, Phineas came back to the set and briefed us on the next scene.

"It looks like we got enough footage before the interruption. So we'll splice in the previous shots of Vanessa taking an order away and then Candace will walk up to the counter and ask if Jeremy is free to go out with her and he'll point to the long line of customers behind her."

Yeah, that has certainly happened often enough.

"And we'll close with Jeremy and Candace walking out the door with lunch for a happy ending."

"Objection!"

"What?" Phineas turned to Suzy.

"I mean, wouldn't it be a happier ending for Jeremy to be with his cute little sister? Right?"

"Yeah, sorry Suzy. We promised to include you in the commercials. Okay, we'll put you in the next commercial after this one. I'm a little short handed, so let me call somebody to help with this." Phineas pulled out his cellphone and hit a speed dial.

A cellphone rang from just off stage.

"Hello, Isabella?"

"Hi, Phineas. Whatcha doin'?" Isabella Garcia-Shapiro walked onto the set, and put her cellphone back in her pocket.

"Oh! It's a good thing you were nearby, Isabella. Do you know how movie studios will cast adult actors in the roles of teenagers?"

"Sure."

"I want you to do the reverse. Can you make Jeremy and Candace look like twenty somethings?"

"Hmmm... What do you think, girls?" Isabella turned to her Fireside Girls Troop, who had suddenly appeared behind her.

One of the girls, I think her name was Gretchen or Holly, looked us over for a moment and then said, "It's a challenge, but a great way to get our cinematic makeup and costuming badges."

"That's the Fireside Girls spirit! Now let's get the proper equipment." Isabella led her troop off.

We filmed the final part of the obsession commercial. Then as Phineas walked onto the stage to thank the extras, I looked above him at a creaking noise. One of the lights had come loose and was falling towards him.

Suddenly a diminutive leapt on stage and kicked the falling light away. It was Isabella. She made a three-point landing past Phineas, skidded to a stop, and looked up, at my sister.

"What are you doing up there?" I walked under Suzy.

"Big brother, I'm so frightened." She released the girder she had been clinging to and fell backwards. "Catch me, Jeremy!"

I dashed one step forwards and carefully caught her.

She wrapped her arms around my neck. "That was so scary, Jeremy. But I feel safe in your arms."

"Is everybody alright?" Phineas asked.

I turned around to show him my apparently unharmed sister and caught Candace scowling at me. Was she upset that I had caught my sister? Just what sort of monster was she?

I put Suzy down, but she kept a tight grip on my hand. "I'm okay, thanks to big brother Jeremy."

I noticed that Candace had shifted her gaze to Suzy, but was still angry. Just what was wrong with that girl?

"We need to get these three in makeup, but we've got a sunset to catch. Isabella," Phineas turned to her, "Can you handle the makeup in the van ride over?"

"No problem, Phineas. Outdoors light makes people look older, so I'll handle the challenge of Suzy. You girls take care of Jeremy and Candace."

The Fireside Girls nodded at Isabella's order and we were all soon packed into a company van, with Phineas in the front passenger seat to direct the driver to the picnic spot.

We shot a few scenes of Suzy playing in the field and of the three of us eating Slushy Burger food. Candace's usual clumsiness kept the Fireside Girls busy with cleanup as she fell face first into a mud puddle and then squirted herself with a ketchup packet. It was almost like she was trying to trip over Suzy. At this rate I'd have to find some other sitter for Suzy, just to keep her safe.

At least Candace managed to keep still for the sunset shot, that Phineas said would have the "It never gets any better" company slogan displayed over it.

We returned to the studio to pack up for the day.

Candace turned to Ferb and Vanessa, who entered the studio walking hand in hand, and asked the other girl, "What was that about Jeremy?"

"Oh?" Vanessa took her eyes off Ferb to look at her.

"You said you knew something about Jeremy."

"Oh, whatever that was, it must not have been very important." Vanessa bowed down to kiss Ferb on his huge forehead. "See you tomorrow, Tiger." She then walked off, stopping only at the door to blow him a kiss.

That evening Ferb's image once again appeared in my room.

I jumped to the attack before he could start. "You're using mind control on Vanessa."

"Yes, but Candace started it and I did it for a very important reason. Candace must not learn about your little indiscretion."

"At least what I was doing was between two consenting people. You are forcing yourself on Vanessa."

"I'm not going to force her to do much. We're both underage, after all. Now that she is out of your way, you need to make the sale with Candace. The clock is ticking." Ferb's projection glanced to my door then vanished.

The door to my room opened. It was Suzy in her pajamas. "Big brother, I'm still scared about what happened today. Can I sleep with you again tonight."

"Sure, Suzy. No problem."


End file.
